Many of us introverts don’t like small talk.

We Say things like, “I don’t want to do small talk.  It is so shallow.  Can’t we just get to the deep stuff?  I know what the weather’s like outside.  Why do we have to talk about it?”

The truth is that small talk isn’t what it appears to be.  On the surface, it looks like conversation but it's not.

Small talk is a test.  It is a way to figure out what kind of person you are dealing with.

Have you ever seen two dogs meet for the first time?  They walk up cautiously and begin assessing each other.  They have to figure out if the other dog is a friend or a foe.

They need to know if the other dog wants to hurt them, play with them, mate with them, or even eat them.  And once they learn that the other dog is cool, they run around and play together.

Let’s take a look at Star Trek.  Have you ever seen what happens when the Enterprise first meets a new ship in space?  What’s the first thing they do?  They put their shields up and proceed with caution.

The captain of each ship will pull each other up on the screen and begin to talk.  And once they learn that the other ship isn’t a threat, they drop their shields and beam aboard to meet in person.

At first it might look like people are talking about the weather, the day of the week, or some current event.  That is what it looks like on the surface.  But the truth is that when people are engaging in small talk, they are really checking each other out.

If you walk up to a person you don’t know and say, “Looks like it’s going to be a sunny day outside”.  And they respond with, “Yeah, I bet it will be nice and hot.  I’ll probably take the kids to the beach”.

They pass the normal person test.  And you can assume that they are probably a safe person.

Now pretend that you walk up to another person and say the same thing.  But this person responded with, “We salad eating shotgun blood because I can see the fleas mommy can’t you see the fleas?”

You would probably say shields up captain…and stay up.  Because that person did not pass the test.

The idea is to start out with small talk first and then work your way to the deep stuff.  Don’t you think it would be strange if a person walked up to you and immediately started talking about existence and the meaning of life?

People tend to do things step by step.  We start at the surface level and then work our way in.

Take marriage for example.  There's a process.  You wouldn’t see a person on the street, walk up to them, and ask them to marry you.

No.  You would start off with hello, move to dating, get to know each other, and eventually get married.

Since we introverts live in our heads most of the time, we become deep thinkers.  We ponder the big issues and generate really cool ideas and opinions.

We spend so much time inside our heads that when we finally get a chance to talk to someone on the outside…we just want to explode.

It’s kind of like a person who hasn’t had sex in a while.  When they finally get someone in bed, they just want to explode as soon as they can.

They are too backed up. They don’t want to mess around with foreplay. They just want to get the poison out as fast as possible.

On the other hand, people who have sex constantly...learn to take their time.

They aren’t worried about getting to the end right way.  Because they aren’t that backed up. They get the poison out on a regular basis.  This allows them to enjoy the entire process.

On a scale of one to ten, how difficult is small talk really?  Think about it.  We're deep thinkers right?

People like you and me…we mentally go places most people won’t go...or are afraid to go.  We live in the realm of mental difficulty.

On a scale of one to ten, how difficult is small talk?

What if you could zoom out and see that small talk is just step one in a much bigger process?  What if you knew that once you got the small talk out of the way, you could move to the deeper stuff?

Let’s face it.  You can do this.  We both know how deep you can go.

Small talk is nothing...compared to what you normally think about.  And if all you had to do…to let the other person know that you're normal and safe…was to talk about something like the weather or the day of the week for a few minutes…wouldn’t it be worth it?

Before we get to the list, we need to orient our minds one more time.  I want to reiterate that small talk is a primal test to see if the other person is normal, safe, friend, or foe.

The second thing is that you start at the highest levels of abstraction and move your way down to the specifics.  You want to get agreement first.  This means you start with something that everyone around could agree on like the weather.

I mean anyone nearby could look up and agree that it is sunny outside right?

Once you pass the normality test and can connect on something you both agree on, you can begin going deeper and deeper.

1. Highest Level of Abstraction

• Weather: The weather is great because it is very easy to get the other person to agree with you.  It's obvious.  Anyone can figure out what’s going on outside.

• Day of the week: The day of the week is another one of those easy ones.  All a person has to do to agree with you is pull out their phone and check.

2. Medium Level of Abstraction

• Current Events: These work well because most people can agree on what’s been going on in the world or in their area. You can bring up something you saw on the news and the other person can connect with you.  When you bring up current events, people will throw out their opinions.  And their opinions are windows into the who they are as a person deep down.  They will help guide you to the deeper stuff.

3. Lower Level of Abstraction

• Common Interests: Use these to get more specific and dig into who the person is you're talking to. This is where you ask the person what their hobbies are, what they’re into. And once you identify the things you are both into, you will be well on your way to deeper conversation.

The idea is to start with something trivial like the weather, day of the week, current event, etc…and then keep stepping deeper by getting more specific.

You might mention the weather to get agreement from the other person and show them that you are safe and normal.  Then you could bring up a current event you saw on the news to get their opinions and get a window into who they might be as a person.

And then you can start moving to the deeper stuff and looking for specific things you have in common like hobbies and interests.

Nick: “Hey, hot out isn’t it?

Carl: “Yeah, it sure is”

Nick “Did you see on the news that it is supposed to get even hotter by the weekend?”

Carl: “Yeah I did. I can’t wait though because I am going to take my new jet ski to the beach”

Nick: “Oh what one did you get?”

Carl: “Sea-Doo.  Just picked it up yesterday”

Nick: “Nice, I got one a couple years back. Probably time to dust that bad boy off”

Carl: “Well hey, if you’re not busy this weekend, you should come out. There’s 7 of us going. We plan on starting at Little Talbot and then hitting the Sand Dollar pub afterwards.”

Nick: “I’m in”

Did you notice how we started with the weather and moved down to a common interest? And it even worked out better because we ended up hanging out and actually doing something.

Main idea number 1: Small talk is a test for normality.  You want to know if you are dealing with a friend or a foe.

Main idea number 2: Go for agreement first.  You do this by starting at a high level of abstraction like the weather or the day of the week.

Main idea number 3: Small talk your way to the deep stuff.

For a more advanced way to use small talk, check out this video post for changing the direction of a conversation

https://socialcirclemaker.com/video-avoid-boring-conversations-eliminate-awkward-moments-silence/

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Nick Arkesteyn

socialcirclemaker.com